Ever do something stupid, lose your temper, do something that five minutes later you wish you could take back. I've learned that no matter what I do and how hard I try, occasionally I'll do such things. That's not to say that I don't try to avoid them, but rather to say that as an infallible and passionate human being, I will screw up on occasion. That said, I'm also learning that sometimes it's really easy to go back and apologize, and other times I feel as if gnawing off my own arm might be easier and possibly preferable. I've discovered that the difference between the two and the shades between often comes from my relationship with the person to whom I need to apologize and from the way that individual generally accepts such mistakes/apologies. The first one is pretty easy to explain, for the most part the closer I am to a person the easier it is to go back to them and say, "Sorry. I screwed up. Can you forgive me?" On the other hand, there are occasions when you'll never see a person again. In this case it is sometimes very easy to apologize and walk away knowing that it doesn't matter for your spiritual, emotional, or mental well being if they forgive you or not, because they're never going to affect your life again as you honestly have acknowledged your own transgression. These occasions, however, are truly rare. The second aspect between easy to approach and rationalizing to ones self why not to apologize is much harder to quantify. Another individual's personality is something that you cannot change no matter how much you may want to or try to. It is something that one must determine to do for oneself and no outside attempts will matter. It can only come from self reflection, experience, and personal growth. This is important to point out as that same personality that you cannot change is the thing that sometimes must be overcome. I know that I have a much easier time admitting I'm wrong when I know that the person will not only accept such an admission, but when they will also genuinely accept my apology as sincere and acknowledge that they themselves are not perfect. That's not to say that they acknowledge personal wrong doing in my actions, but rather that they will share at other points mistakes they've made and have learned from or even possibly admit a misunderstanding or similar wrongdoing in a situation I am approaching them about. Simple example, if Greg and I get into a no holds barred argument it is much easier to apologize to him for my own arrogance when he acknowledges if and when he's being prideful or stubborn as well. That's not say that one should apologize to seek contrition but rather that an attitude of self reflection makes a person more approachable. On the other hand I know that I struggle to apologize to seemingly perfect people and people lacking the ability to reflect upon the outside consequences of their own actions. The first is simple; it is very hard to admit fault to people who will readily admit that you are/were wrong but who have no ability or maturity to acknowledge any weakness in their own character. The second most often accompanies the first or the two feed off of each other, I'm not certain; but it means simply that the person sees no possible problem with their own actions in how their words or actions might affect others. An exaggerated example of this might be the person who punches another in the face and expects the punched individual to neither feel pain nor retaliate with further violence. Unfortunately, this lack of reflection happens more often in regard to emotion and respect than in the physical realms, meaning that it can do more damage unseen. One of my favorite examples of this is the 'oversensitive' come back. When asking someone to stop talking about something that you find personally distasteful or insulting, rather than acknowledge your right to feel that way, the clueless individual defensively mutters "You're just being oversensitive, I didn't mean anything by it" or some variant and then continues the insulting diatribe. Now, there are a few truly oversensitive people in the world, but in my general experience, this example generally occurs when someone is truly unable or unwilling to see themselves as doing anything hurtful, even if inadvertently. That's not to say people can't express their own opinions or even disagree, but rather that disagreement without self reflection can not lead to any growth or learning for that individual and is therefore pointless. In cases of seeking forgiveness, it means that it is hard to know if your apology will be accepted as genuine or if it will later be used to once again prove the non-reflective person's correctness and further superiority. As I said, these are the people I find it hardest to apologize to not knowing if or how it will be received. That said sometimes one must suck it up and apologize. I'm still working on learning how better to approach the later cases so that bitterness doesn't invade my own spirit. In trying, I’m learning that it is better to be realistic about the fact that I make mistakes and try to learn from them. I’m also working to remain approachable not only for apologies but for general conversation about love, life, lessons learned the hard way, and other facts of life. I don't always succeed but I keep trying. |
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